One Last Hurrah

The title of this post refers to one last act or effort before, I think, one does nothing or becomes rather apathetic.

Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

I feel better than yesterday and as I sit here, a can of Monster energy in hand, 5 pack of doughnuts (Yes, I’m aware of my fucking blog name, thanks) at my side, I’m thinking about how crap I’ve been feeling and how I’m more able to rationalise those feelings today so clearly as opposed to any other day.

Nothing radical has happened in the last 12 hours, other than sleep.

I’m still fat, I’m still broke and I’m still so very disenchanted with my life that I already have the slight hump on this fine Sunday morning as the prospect of going to my boring job tomorrow.

So what has bought me to this ‘’Zen’’ place?

Someone very close to me has (and has always had) this saying: ‘’it is what it is’’.

I love it because, a situation is something for the most part you cannot control, but you can control YOUR reaction to it and subsequently what happens moving forward.

So, with that being said, my fatness, brokenness (word?) and bored with lifeness (term?), is as it is but, the rest is up to me and how I want to feel in the future.

My last binge today.

Perhaps in another post, I will talk about the exhausting series of real and perceived personal events that have bought me to this point. But I am not one of those overweight people that doesn’t know what to do in terms of taking charge of my health. I know my way around the weight room and cardio equipment, I know which foods bloat me, I know when to stop eating.

 

All of this knowledge I have but have lacked so much discipline needed to make that PERMANENT life change. It was never difficult for me, I just haven’t cared about much for a VERY LONG TIME.

 

An all or nothing kind of person, in all aspects of my life, I either self-destruct or go cold turkey.

In terms of fitness, which is also to me encompassed in what I’m thinking, feeling and saying – my finger has NEVER left the self-destruct button.

 

 

 

 

The issue with that is, it has begun to impact other areas of my life where I do just the bare minimum to function just to say I’ve done something.

At one point last month, I was actually thinking about seeing a therapist, such a cultural taboo – ‘’Black people do not need therapy’’, ‘’it’s nothing going to Church won’t fix’’.

 

I didn’t end up going because I do not have £60 to be throwing at someone who is going to tell me what I already know.

It’s a dark place, specific to only me and rather go deeper down the rabbit hole, I simply have to get a hold of it once and for all.

I’m quite unsure if a blog is a place to document all of this but there shall be some such type of other social media musings, I would imagine, as I do not want to be one of those people who write a really impassioned post about bettering themselves and then never follow it up again… that to me, is true sadness.