''Bollocks!''

I find it amusing (wrong word?) that this is my first post in over a year and fuck all has really changed. ( I deleted my other posts because reading them back today has reminded me of my own hideous ineptitude and, apathy and blatant disregard for my own health)



Oh, actually, tell a lie:

I'm FEEL fatter - still at 250lbs though
Less money
I work closer to home, more money to spend on alcohol and food to numb the intolerable pile of apathy my life has become. . . . and less temptation to give into regarding jumping in front of that 17:37 to London Victoria.



I would love to be in one of those positions today where what I feel can be rationalised and put into a little positive box, and I can go out into society and smile because I have a handle on my shit today.

But I do not.

Bollocks.

That's my word of choice and act of defiance for the moment.

It's such gorgeous weather in the UK today and I'm sat in my room, too much of a state to go out, because I look like an utter prick in all of my clothes. I'm also so broke, I can't even pay attention.

''Do a budget''
''Try and eat healthier''

EAT A DICK.

At this moment, I don't NEED suggestions, I just need to take this moment, and what I feel for what it is, and process it in MY time.

As irritated as I am, my cunt neighbour thinks this is the time to have his skip swapped over. The fucking RACKET this truck is making smashing these two skips together.


Why am I so disenchanted with everything?
Why is my motivation so FUCKING low today?
Why do I want to punch everyone?
Why do I want to get so drunk I pass out?

I was fine yesterday, but this is totally what happens. Months of being ''fine'' then weeks of binge eating, low tolerance for bullshit and then self loathing.

I'll be damned going to a therapist, but this episode has been going on for the best part of 14 months and I'm getting to a point where I am even fed up of myself.

I'm not sure what the fuck to do.

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